A MEESAGE FROM DONALD J TRUMP
To celebrate my amazing peace deal with Iraq (or was it Iran? I can never remember which), we’re proud to announce a great new yacht regatta, maybe the greatest there’s ever been in the history of the world. It’s called the Hormuz International Liberation Day Cup, brought to you by Exxon Mobile. (And as soon as Jared is done with the Trump Tower Gaza Hi-Rise, He’ll build the Trump Tower Yacht and Country Club at the Strait. $10 million initiation fee.)
Great name, huh? We wanted something classy like those cage fights on the White House lawn, but without all the blood and missing teeth. Malaria didn’t like that. It’s gonna be a boat race like you’ve never seen before – once they’ve cleared those 1,200 poxy oil tankers from the Strait – Beats me why they anchored there for so long, considering that I opened the Strait long ago.
Anyway, about the regatta. It’ll be a completely democratic event. Not dumocratic you dumbo – democratic! By that I mean it’s open to anyone, so long as they’ve got a yacht longer than 100 feet who pays me the upfront entry fee of $1 million in gold bullion. We also take Bitcoin, by the way. Non-refundable, of course.
We haven’t worked out the rules yet but they’ll be agreed very soon, probably within the next two weeks. Those sailing rules are really complicated. But don’t worry. We’ll fix that. I’ve got JD on the job. World’s greatest negotiator! Funny, though, that he still hasn’t got a deal. And we told something called World Sailing to take a hike. We’ll flick them like I flicked NATO. This is MY regatta!
But let me just say that anyone who cheats is gonna be dead meat. We’re pretty good at taking out small boats. I’ve been doing it for more than a year now, 56 at last count. Boom! Death from the sky! It’s almost never on the TV news, but trust me, none of those sleaze-bags ever survive.
So, happy sailing, everyone! Thank you for your attention to this matter.
– Donald J Trump
