US President Donald Dumb today signed into law an Executive Order revising the IRC rating system. Speaking to the media as they jogged behind his golf cart, the President explained the motivation behind his surprise initiative.
“Those idiot Limeys in Limberger, Littlehampton, Lymington – wherever the hell it is – they don’t have a clue about handicapping. Never have. Never will. I’m the greatest expert on sailboat ratings the world has ever seen. Period.”
In response to a comment from one reporter that the United States has no jurisdiction over an international measurement system, Dumb was adamant his changes were legal. “Look at what we did in Venezuela”, he said. “Look at what we’re doing in Iran. All perfectly legal and above board. The sailors said to me; “Sir, we have been crying out for this”. We’re gonna be heroes!”
Asked for a more specific outline of the changes, the President was happy to oblige. “It’s all about the percentages”, he said, taking out a Sharpie and small whiteboard to illustrate. “Look. I know more about percentages than anyone – more than all the Nobel Prize winners in Mathematics put together.
“Let me show you. Under the old system some yachts were rated more than 1. That’s more than 100%. Can’t be right! You can’t have more than 100% of time. That would mean they started a race after they’d finished. Or maybe it’s the other way round. Whatever, it’s crazy stuff! Under my new system no yacht will be rated more than 1.”
A reporter from Global Yachting then asked POTUS how that revised formula would be fair across the huge performance range between the minimum offshore length of 30 feet up to the supermaxis. His response was upbeat.
“No problemo! My fabulous Executive Order – the best there’s ever been, bar none – includes the power to modify any yacht that falls outside the range. We’ll just take a chainsaw to those big hulls and rigs until that boat comes down to 100% or less. My good friend Elon has already leant us his chainsaw. Should be fun!”
The board of the Royal Ocean Racing Club were approached for comment but asked us to call back after they’d had time to read the 25th Amendment of the US Constitution.
